I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right. – Unknown
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure. – Unknown
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. – Tommy Cooper
If at first, you donÍt succeed, then skydiving definitely isnÍt for you. – Steven Wright
I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. – Unknown
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. – Unknown
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. – Unknown
I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode. – Unknown
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin
The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She hugged me. – Unknown
I used to be a people person, but people ruined it. – Unknown
IÍm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it. – Unknown
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. – Charles Lamb
Why donÍt skeletons fight each other? They donÍt have the guts. – Unknown
IÍm not shy, IÍm holding back my awesomeness so I donÍt intimidate you. – Unknown
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you donÍt need it. – Bob Hope
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? – Abraham Lincoln
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. – Unknown
IÍm not arguing. IÍm simply explaining why IÍm right. – Unknown
The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. – Oscar Wilde
I put my phone in airplane mode, but itÍs not flying. – Unknown
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life if I die next Tuesday. – Unknown